I want to preface my post by saying I love my family. My husband is amazing and I do not tell him that enough and my girls…wow! I don’t know what I did to deserve those two little blessings but wow! I AM blessed! That all being said…let’s continue…
Lately, I have been feeling very sorry for myself. I’m not entirely sure why but the feeling is there. I have just felt inadequate on so many levels lately that even the smallest “failure” can set me off into weepy spells. At work, part of my job is to strive for “perfection”. I work with money and while mistakes happen, they cannot happen often. At home, I feel as if I am supposed to be everything to everyone. I feel like I am supposed to give all I can and lately, I just don’t feel like I have it to give. When I get home, all I want to do is sit and relax. Anyone with children knows that is next to impossible but I seem to sit a lot. I hate this about myself. I have come in contact with women who work 9-5, come home, cook, clean, and still manage to have quality time with their kids. Either they are lying or I am seriously lacking in my homemaking skills. When I was on maternity leave with Carrigan, I loved cooking and cleaning for my family. I felt like I was truly giving my family what it needed. And then I had to go back to work and I felt like I was failing again. It’s no secret between my husband and I that I would love to be a stay at home mom. But what the heart wants and what the wallet needs are two vastly different things. Even if we could afford for me to stay home, I worry about depriving my girls of life experiences like family vacations and activities like dance classes or sports because we couldn’t afford it on one income. It’s a catch 22 sometimes.
I’m not entirely sure what I am trying to get at…maybe I just needed to vent. I just want to give my family more and I just don’t know how to do it sometimes. I am tired of being drained. I am tired of not being able to concentrate on work because I am longing to be home with my girls and I am so tired of being too drained to do anything with them once I get home not to mention a serious lack of patience. My family mean everything to me. I just wish I knew how to show it sometimes.
Well, I should sleep now. Like I said, I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel a little better now. Hopefully God has something up his sleeve to help me through this. I think I’ll pray about it 🙂
Hello Gorgeous! 
you are not alone in your feelings, chantel!! i’m blessed enough to only have to work part-time, and i still feel like i’m fighting the battle of finding the time to get everything done but still be able to really focus on my children. this is a battle we are all going to fight until the day they move out on their own, i think. you have to trust that you are doing what you need to do to provide for your family. your girls know you love them. i was raised by 2 parents that worked outside of the home and i never once questioned whether they were loving me enough or spending enough time with me… yet, i imagine my mother fought these very same feelings when she got home from ‘the daily grind.’ i’ll be praying for you girl!!!
Thanks girl! I know I am not alone but it just stinks sometimes. I hope someday Chris and I can get to a point where part time can work for me. All in God’s timing I guess 🙂
Chantel,
I’ve been wanting to reply to this post – thanks for you honesty. It’s a hard decision, a hard struggle. I’ve been a stay at home mom, and a career mom, and now I’m a career mom who has changed careers intentionally to one that is part-time & flexible. I’ve found it’s best to follow your heart and find what fits your life goals at the moment, and think outside the box for how that might work. Leaving teaching was hard because I loved it, but I found I couldn’t do all of it – teach 180 teenagers a day and come home to my own teenagers (& 4 kids). It’s just where I was. Now, I can work full-time, but I have flexibility with my hours, and that works best. When I was home full time while my kids were young, I never regretted a moment, and God has always provided for us at each stage. We haven’t had a lot of excess, but we’ve always been provided for.
Pray and seek, and you’ll find the right thing that meets all of you hope & dreams for where you are. Blessings to you!